With all of this talk, recently, about preschool and my little baby growing up, I've been coping by looking forward to the time alone that I will have with Liam while Declan is off for a few hours every other day. I think about all of the time Declan had me to himself. Sometimes I feel guilty that Liam doesn't know that feeling. But then, one day I tried splitting them up for their "room-time" each in his own room and Liam cried at his door yelling "Daga" (Declan) and begging to be put in the room with his big brother. It dawned on me that Liam doesn't know anything other than a life shared with many who love him and while he will undoubtedly love his time alone with me, it probably doesn't bother him at all that he doesn't have it currently.
Today, Liam went down for an early nap and Declan, who has been skipping naps occasionally, sat and had lunch with me. We had the best conversation! He asked me why we can't eat cake for lunch. I explained. He said "Oh! But what about candy? Is candy 'not a lunch food' too?"
I said "Indeed, candy is not a lunch food either."
He sat there, eating his half of the chicken sandwich I made us both, saying, "this is good mummy! You make good sandwiches!" He told me he is excited to get to the mall play place this afternoon and that he'd rather "(me) and daddy not go out on a date night tonight and all of us just stay here and play." I reminded him that his favorite babysitter, Adrianna, is coming over and he said "yeah but she's too pretty. I'd rather you." (Do you hear that Adrianna? You're just too pretty for him he'd rather just ugly ol' me!) When we were done eating he took his plate to the sink, cleaned up his crumbs with a napkin, threw that in the trash and I just sat there watching him move like such a KID rather than a baby and I started to cry. I realized that this lunch date we just shared will no longer be possible once he goes off to school and that, for the zillionth time in his life, I am literally watching him grow up.
In September I will send him 3 days each week to a school with strangers. I will probably be that mom that circles the preschool for a couple hours because I'm afraid to go too far. That child in there, that is just another kid to come through their very awesome school, is the first baby I birthed into the world. He is the first person to put my life into real perspective. He is so, very special to me and I am trusting them to treat him with the kindness and respect he is due. He means the world to me and though I know he will need to be disciplined and held accountable like all learning 3 and 4 year olds, I need to know that he is experiencing kindness. (Such a simple concept that means so much more after you have children right?) Anyway, as I adjust I know that I will leave the town of Harvard to travel back home with Liam where we will bond. And I will love that. But in this bonding time with Liam lies the subtle realization that I have already lived my very short years of "solely mine time" with Declan. It is over. It is gone. Those years I spent not sure I could survive stay at home motherhood are over...and with that, my only years to have that baby boy all to myself. From now on I will share him. With other adults and new friends. All of whom I hope will love him! But I'm afraid of the first encounter he has with an adult or a kid who just doesn't like him. My heart breaks over this boy, looking into the eyes of another human being trying to figure out why they don't like him without me there to help him process that. He might be 4 but he is still a baby. When you live 75 or 80 years, you're technically a baby until you're like, 20! And I am so overwhelmed that this time is already upon me. I know he is ready and I know we'll do fine but I am sobbing here at my computer screen writing this just picturing that first drop off day. Those glittery eyes that just stared at mine all through our lunch date, sparkling with excitement over cake and candy and my awesome sandwiches, will forever be mine to share. I'm not a good "sharer."
Since Declan was born I have found myself crying at every milestone. When he could hold a bottle himself, when he crawled and walked and talked and ran and climbed the stairs and the fridge and the rock-wall outside....when he started sleeping in a big-boy bed and started Sunday school at church and turned "2" and went for his first bike-ride and first explained to me that "he was just feeling frustrated and didn't want to talk right now" I cried. I cry now over things like preschool and the end of "Toy Story 3." Sometimes, I walk upstairs and crawl into bed with him and just cry over that boy that is evolving in front of my very eyes. I run my hands down the length of his body and realize how tall he is. I try to remember what it was like to hold him when he was so small he could fit in one arm. Sometimes, it's hard to remember. I am in a stage right now where I have a hard time looking at his baby pictures or videos of him when he was a little toddler just starting to figure out his world. I ask myself, "was it all supposed to go by that fast?" And I know that the answer is "yes."
I struggle with guilt, sometimes, that I don't often stare at Liam and cry over his metamorphosis the way I still do Declan. But I've realized over the last year or so that the reasons I'm crying aren't over the beauty of a growing boy, but the fear that it really is going by too fast...that I'm not doing enough to savor him...that I've missed my window of opportunity to fix mistakes or do more and it's a "done deal." I think I'm learning through Declan the pace at which a child is supposed to blossom and grow and expand. And I think he's right on par. Still, every new thing he does and every year older he grows will be the first of that change I am seeing in my children. And I will wonder every time if it's right, or good, or ok.
I remember, this past September, I posted on Facebook for Liam's birthday that he was the baby who taught me to believe in myself and Declan was the boy who taught me to be brave. I am reminded of this as I write today. For Liam, I am a much more confident and relaxed mom. His demeanor reflects this in me. He, at 18 months old, has a way of reassuring me because he knows, that I know, that I am fine. Declan doesn't always have that benefit. Sometimes I think he senses that I'm not sure...that I don't believe in myself yet. And while he doesn't always know if I'm capable of something it's not in his nature to hesitate. So he says "Go mummy. Go for it. Be brave like me!" And so we jump off of cliffs and into strange waters together and learn as we go. This will make for one hell of a bond as we both grow. But I think it will always mean that I feel the pains of a growing child more with Declan than I do with my younger children. Or maybe that I just don't handle it as well. I was snuggling with Liam today watching him eat his feet and thinking A) that's disgusting B) it's amazing that we are EVER that flexible and C) that I will miss him being this size and this age in a very short while...because he will be 2 in September and, well, won't be snuggled up next to me with his feet in his mouth anymore. I didn't cry. I smiled, hugged him a little closer and breathed him in. I felt the same pain. That "this is almost over" pain that I've become too familiar with. But it didn't scare me the way it sometimes does when I'm feeling it with Declan. Because it's not the first time I'm feeling it. And I know how this goes, the "letting go" of each and every brief and fleeting stage of my baby boys' lives. I never really understood how deep a love could run for another human being. It's not something you can articulate in words. But I know that these little growing men that live in my home were meant to be mine. They are so unique from each other and so essential to my becoming the mom I want to be: Liam, the boy who believes in me and Declan, the boy who makes me brave.
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| (Photo by Davis Photography & Design Leominster, MA) |
How do you feel, moms of multiple kids? Is your oldest always a tough transition? Your younger ones much more "smooth-sailing?"
As always, thanks for reading! <3
-K
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