So after writing my first, very brief, introductory entry back in MARCH I have decided that I will be newly committed to blogging at least weekly about my new motherhood! I have a penciled list in my purse of topics to discuss and I've even written a rough-draft of a piece on being a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) that I plan to perfect before posting ;) My thoughts and feelings are there. Needless to say, I'm still struggling to structure my schedule in a way that leaves me with an hour here and there to write for my sanity and to empathize with the many new moms I know are experiencing the same struggles and triumphs as myself! For today, I need to touch on the topic of "time." Because as I sit here blogging at 11:00a.m. it dawns on me that the end of July is nearing, that my son is almost 1 year old and that I am definitely planning my 10 year High School Reunion!
I remember when I was in High School I started to feel like time went by faster each year. When I was seven, a year seemed like the longest stretch of time ever. In fact, waiting three hours for my friend to get to my house for a sleepover was torture! Then something happens in High School. It's the first thing in life that you can't wait to get to and that ends before you're ready. It's when you start to fill your free time with sports and clubs and jobs and you realize that time is somethign of value. I feel like every year since my Senior Year of High School has been more a "blur" than the last. Not that the blur isn't full of fantastic memories and accomplishments but, nonetheless, it's a blur! I just finished messaging my fellow class officers because it is time to plan our 10 year Renunion. After I threw up a little in my mouth, I realized its time to start writing!
Time is bound to be a topic I bring up more than a few times in this blog because, since my son's arrival, the speed at which time passes me by has, oh, quadrupled! Since Joel went back to work after his paternity leave our nightly routine is to eat dinner, give the baby a bath and, while I clean the kitchen and maybe throw in a last load of laundry, Joel feeds the baby his last bottle of the day and puts him to bed. Occassionally, on the weekends and/or if Joel isn't home for that time of night I get to do the night bottle and bed routine and rock my little boy to sleep and, without fail, every time I cry. I hold him and realize how he doesn't fit between the arm rests on the rocking chair anymore. I remember his 8lbs. 14 oz. body then versus his 22lb body now (yes, my son is a bit of a beast at 9 months old)! And it just dawns on me that he is growing up, already, into a little boy. When I was seven, a year seemed like the longest stretch of time. At 27, with my son in my arms, the thought of my lifetime feels too short.
I say that and I mean it. But then you know what I did? I spent my entire day yesterday trying to develop some type of block-schedule (much like high school minus the warning bells and the other adults that hold you accountable for being late), because I feel like a complete failure at managing my time. Even though my house is always pretty clean, my laundry is caught up on, there is plenty of food in my cabinets, I have this insatiable need to always be doing more. I spend my days with a nine month old baby and a 3 year old Border Collie/German Shepherd and I struggle to structure my time in a way that leaves me feeling like I accomplish things on a daily basis. Sure, two weeks of emotional build-up and a melt-down later I get a pep-talk from my husband that reminds me that I'm doing a great job at adjusting to life as a SAHM: literally living in my office, working long and unforgiving hours, getting all of the necessary things done week to week all the while keeping our son quite healthy and happy. If I could just get away from my list-making and my schedule-creating self, I might see health and happiness as sufficient weekly tasks. And maybe I could get "time" to stop bullying me into thinking that I don't use it wisely enough and that it will be gone before I know it.
The fact is, I know that time is passing me by. Watching yourself age is one thing. Watching your child age is another and it's difinitively more dramatic. I guess I could continue rambling about this all day to get to the same point which is that I don't have an answer to this one. I'm not sure I ever will. But it's worthwhile to vent about it. Whenever I get talking about time, time management, aging, etc. I think it dawns on me that they are extremely complicated topics with so many issues embedded in them that it's no wonder I feel overwhelmed by it all! Making an Excel Spreadsheet and blocking out my time day by day might be my visual fix to let me know I'm getting it all done the best way I can. But to think it is THE fix that relieves all stress and pressure related to time is foolish.
So, my son is up from his nap and I'm going to take him and my dog for a long walk with my sister-in-law and her three kids. Healthy task, happy family, Tuesday's mission: accomplished!
