Let It Go - Mom Parody

 I have no words.  This is perfect!

Mommy CSI

This is the scene of the crime.   

What is the first thing you notice?  What's the next?  And...the last but probably the most alarming of all?

I often feel like I'm living a real-life "mommy-version" of CSI.  Constant occasions throughout the day where I turn around, a disastrous crime ensues out of my sight and I return to a scene that I must scour for clues and witnesses that simply won't talk. Sometimes the  criminal activity is easy to explain and easy to assume how the perpetrator arrived at the decision to commit said crime.  For example:

                                                                                   

No caption necessary right? (just in case it is necessary that's about 45 candy kisses unwrapped, though not all eaten as you can see by the stash to the right of the microwave, and my son crying over the fact that I caught him in the act). Others are truly a mystery.  In either case, there's always something more to it than the obvious mess and disruption. 

  

Today, obviously, the first thing I notice is the pile of pepper and Montreal Chicken Seasoning literally piled up on the stove-top, which, is the second thing I notice (the stove was NOT on).  There's a strawberry top in there and a ladle that he (by "he" I mean Declan, my 3 year old son whom I found fleeing the scene as I entered the kitchen) was clearly using to stir his little concoction....but wait...what is that up there in the corner of the photo?  The most alarming thing to any mommy looking at it.  Is that a cap to a now missing highlighter? Why, yes.  Yes it is.  (insert law and order theme music here):  The case of the missing highlighter.  

Stuff goes missing in this house all. of. the. time.  Twice now, the boys have been given the gift of an "assemble it yourself" airplane with a motorized hand drill that you use to drill bolts in to the airplane parts until you have it built.  The drill has gone missing both times.  We currently have no drill to assemble this toy.  It's not a small hand-drill.  And it's gone.  Our remotes are found inside of toyboxes, deep within seat cushions, in bathrooms and occasionally in the trash.  They steal our wallets, cell phones and car keys.  (Wow, maybe I'm raising a pack of future all-out bandits.  I should start paying attention to that).  Finding missing things has become a regular part of my weekly routine.  You'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm not.  It causes undue stress and harmful distraction.  I have skipped meals to try and locate missing toys. (I have issues, I know this), but it seriously is one of those little things in motherhood that has come to drive me close to insane.  

Anyway, back to this morning's debacle:  Declan decided this morning that he wanted to make "chicken pot pie."  Or so this is what he tells me when I find the scene of the crime and ask him what happened. Confession made and talk about how 1) we don't play in the kitchen and 2) that's definitely not how you make chicken pot pie given, I find the highlighter cap.  My eyes widen as I snatch it off the countertop. "What is this?" I ask with alarm in my voice.  "Um, a mawker cap" he says.  "Where's the marker?" I ask, eyes still wide, concern growing.  "Um, I can't remember" and the suspect takes off in a giggling dash to somewhere else in the house. 

When the kids are little they are good at fessing up and telling you where they put things. "Declan, where did you put the remote?"  "Uhh, in the tub!" And, sure enough you'll go up to the bathroom and in the luckily empty tub will be your t.v. remote.  But right around 3 they must decide that it's entertaining to watch mom stew and boil all day over the "missing something" that refuses to resurface.    

Immediately I start looking for evidence.  There is no highlighter on the walls or on his skin.  The younger child doesn't have any on his skin. I walk around the house holding the orange cap looking for the bright orange permanent ink filled marker that fits inside.   It hasn't been fed to the dog or flushed down a toilet.  I spend at least 25 minutes doing this, every now and then asking for help and receiving none.  Eventually, I've learned, that I have to give up on these types of things.  I cannot spend all day looking for this marker!  But it's killing me that an uncapped marker is running free in my home with 3 year old and 18 month old boys in it!  

Still, as I sit here 6 hours after the incident, I have not located this marker.  And the reality that I may never find it is settling in.  And I'm thinking back on my "stacked momma" photo.  The missing marker produces anxiety in me.  Partly because I picture waking in the night to horror music, blacklights and a room covered in highlighter and partly because it means yet another piece of my organized home has gone missing.  It represents the never-ending nature of the "trying to put things together" piece of my job. I'm a list-maker and a task-checker-off-er and as I head into the kitchen to start a crock-pot meal for dinner I am interrupted by Declan's attempt at Strawberry/Pepper/Montreal Seasoning Chicken Pot Pie and a missing, uncapped, orange highlighter!  It's the feeling that the flow of every day will undoubtedly be interrupted at some point.  And that is something I'm still working on getting used to. 

I still trick myself after a few days of nice, easy flow and task completion, that this will be the way it is....for like, EVER!  And then something happens which alters my schedule, day, mood, priorities and I have to re-set and go again.  Sometimes, it's minor, like today.  Half an hour of time spent on vacuuming up seasonings and trying to find a highlighter doesn't throw your day off all that badly.  Sometimes, things do.  Like when they crap their pants in the driveway as you're getting packed up for a Dr.'s appt you're already running late for.  Or they get sick and you have to cancel, TWICE, the pre-school visit you scheduled a week ago and are desperate to go on because there are only three slots left!  Or when they dump a cup of coffee all OVER your computer and office desk.  The desk and computer that you moved into your living room next to your pellet stove so that they could have a bedroom!  It's hard sometimes, when you're hyper-focused on meeting needs and keeping routines, to remember that they don't do things on purpose to sabotage you.  Even when they're doing something on purpose!  It's not to make you angry or hurt you or purposefully stress you out.  They're curious.  They're testing boundaries and experimenting with a world they're only a couple of years familiar with. And, honestly, I am too.

The world feels completely new and different with them in my life.  With them being my primary focus and me, being my last.  So we're figuring this out together.  What's worth stressing over, what's not. Appreciating a day that flows and dismissing the moments that interrupt that flow.  And, maybe, when I'm ready to head back to work and I'm missing these days and stressing about how to put into words what it is I've done all these years for a resume or a cover letter I'll remember to list Crime Scene Investigator.  That will surely be a disappointing conversation for my potential future employers when they realize I'm talking missing markers and dead houseplants.  Ok, maybe I'll leave it off of the formal resume.  But I'll keep it tucked away in the one I keep in my head.  The one that actually makes me feel valid, valued and fulfilled.

Share your mommy CSI stories and photos in the comments below!  Always, thanks for reading <3

-K

Perspective

So, I can either choose to see this in my more naturally "the glass is half empty" perspective and say that my seventeen month old spilled my full cup of coffee all over what is left of my office (in the time it took me to help Declan button his pants after using the potty) creating a truly un-clean7ab4le mess (an7d a keyb4oard that is n7ow typin7g n7umb4ers in7 the midst of letters?)  an7d this corn7er of my house will un7deoub4tedly smell like sugar an7d cream for....ever OR I could choose to see this in7 a "half full" light an7d say that I was given7 an7 opporutn7ity to clean7 behin7d the computer desk an7d to pour a fresh n7ew cup of coffee sin7ce the other was on7e I have been7 re-microwavin7g sin7ce n7:/0/0 this morn7in7g.
Yyyyyyeahhh...I'm gonna have to go with "half empty" -_-  Tomorrow IS Friday right?  Ok, 3 to 2 for points backing up "half-full."  I'll try "half-full."  Oh look, the numbers went away...Karma can be sort of immediate can't it?

Wintertime Cabin Fever

So I sit down to write an entry and suddenly I'm overloaded with things that are on my mind.  'Which is blog-worthy?' I ask myself.  Well, they all are, but I'm still working out how to do this daily writing thing so bear with me as I first try to tackle the hurdle of just making time every day to enter something!
Today I'm staring out the window at what will soon be another 3" of snow on the ground, as it pours from the sky and I'm BEGGING for winter to just chill the hell out!  I have never been a fan of winter.  Like, ever. Born and raised here in MA and I really feel no sentimental or nostalgic love for the season of death and ice. I love all of the other seasons, though, so I stay put and complain for 12 weeks of the year, every year, to anyone who will listen.
On top of not being a general fan of the wintertime, I stay home, full time with my 2 boys.  Our days are long.  Joel works in Cambridge and the commute from Central MA to work every day is about 1.5-2 hours one way.  Easily, we have 12-13 hours a day to coexist in this house together with only one set of adult hands to help.  Any day of any season can leave a SAHM (stay at home mom) feeling cooped up and burned out but winter, especially, just exacerbates it all.
We're at a tough age too for wintertime.  I have a 3 year old that would gladly go outside all on his own and play for hours on end in the snow.  Obviously he can't be trusted (nor can the world for that matter) to be outside alone for hours on end without supervision.  Conversely, I have an 18 month old who whimpers and holds his breath if he's standing too close to the refrigerator when you open the door so outside in sub-freezing temps with flying snow landing in his face is never anything less than torturous for him.  I do it sometimes because Declan needs the time outside and enjoys it.  Sometimes Liam is just gonna have to suck it up and do things he hates to make his brother happy and vice-versa.
It's hard to keep the mood high when you spend your day in the same four walled home for a few days on end because the weather prevents you from leaving.  Some things I have learned in the last 4 years of staying home to survive these times:

Sometimes snack time can be absolutely hilarious!

1)  Food is good.  While I'd love to say that I exercise perfect self control in my eating and don't use it as emotional crutch, I cannot.  When we are cooped up, we eat.  I've learned to keep some healthIER options in the house to reduce over-indulgence in sweets and "unnecessaries" but you know what?  Snacking passes time.  About 30 minutes of it to be exact.  And when my options are to "pass time with a mostly controlled, mostly healthy, mostly clean activity" or "try, and try and over-try to keep them busy and stimulated and in one room and entertained while slowly losing my sanity and exploding at least once before dinner" I opt to keep the snacks in all of our hands to pass time in little chunks which helps break up the hours which helps pass a tough day.  Think about it:  It takes at least 5 minutes to get them away from what they're doing, up into their chairs (hands washed first if you're feeling ambitious) and decide what to snack on.  Then another 5 to pour drinks and set snacks out.  Fifteen minutes to snack and then they get down from their chairs happy as clams and go back to whatever activity they were on (or a new one!) while you take 5 minutes to clean up.  YOU feel better and a little distracted so YOU can return to their activity with just even a little more energy and spunk than you had before snack time.  That's 1/2 an hour of time.  And it has saved me to take it more than a handful of times.  Yes, when I choose snack time as the appropriate time to pound down half a loaf of banana bread I am flooded with guilt about my eating habits and why I can't get into the Paleo thing.  But, "lesser of 2 evils" is sometimes the name of the game.  The next time I'm on a treadmill I'll punish myself plenty.  For now, I need not punish myself anymore for not being able to take another minute of block-stacking or playdough cutting.

Sometimes, you walk into Room-Time
to find something like this <3

2)  "Room Time" is very good!  My sister in law got me into the "Baby Wise" book series when she was pregnant with her first son.  I paid close attention to her tactics and strategies she was learning from it and I felt attracted to that style.  I started reading them when I was pregnant with Declan and while some things didn't quite fly here in my home a lot of it did.  One thing they talk about is "Room Time," where, at an appropriate age and under varying levels of supervision depending on your living situation and kids' ages, your kids spend time alone playing in their rooms.  Declan started at about 14 months old.  His room was gated, his toys were all appropriate for alone-time play and I had a video monitor hooked up so I could see him wherever I was in the house.  When he was that young he would only spend about 15 minutes of time on his own but that span of time grew as he was capable of more imaginative play and in need of some alone time.  Now, the two boys often want to play together in one room and it is now, as it was when Declan was a baby in the winter, a saving grace for this season.  I've learned there's nothing wrong with sending them off on their own occasionally.  Usually, when I'm nearing my "done" point with them, they are likewise, nearing it with me.  It's good for us to separate, safely, for a few minutes to just breathe and think.  20-25 mins is usually all I can get from them right now but it's valuable.  I've found it's best not to jump to "room time" when I've reached my boiling point.  I try to think ahead when I know the day has been tough so-far and ask myself 'when will I need room time today?'  Sometimes, it's so I can prep dinner. Others it's so I can watch the news and pound down the other half of that banana bread.  I try to not feel guilty on the occasions where I don't use room time wisely and it doesn't help that day.  I learn from it and try to do better the next time.  What helps THAT in and of itself is using room-time on a good day.  I've learned in 3 1/2 years of using it that if I'm always using it as a rescue
source it'll probably fail me 50% of the time.  If I use it consistently I'll have a better perspective on its helpfulness and the days it fails me don't seem so bad.  I also find, if the kids feel like they're getting room time because I'm about to lose it, they feel it's more of a punishment:  a long, extended time-out with toys.  And that's not what it is nor what I want it to be.  I want it to be just as valuable to them in learning to problem solve, play with their imaginations and self-stimulate as it is for me to learn to relax, regroup and re-frame.  

3)  Exercise is an understated and under-discussed method of self help.  I feel like we hear it everywhere "exercise keeps your mood high," "exercise helps your energy stay up."  But for some reason those statements aren't enough for me.  I once was part of a nutrition seminar at work while the students at Job Corps were on break.  We were in staff training every day and I got more out of that one hour with a nutrition and exercise specialist from Health Alliance than I had in any Dr. visit or Today Show segment in my life!  I want to DISCUSS exercise and the reasons it helps.  Also, the reasons I (and so many others) fail at making it and keeping it a priority despite the clear difference it makes!  To hear it, lecture style, doesn't do it for me.  I need to TALK!  I feel like I need a support group!  Maybe one will be born from this Blog?! At any rate, I know the benefits are real because I have heard and felt them.  I struggle with keeping the priority and schedule for my physical fitness consistent .  This winter I made the commitment to run at least 3 days a week and I've kept that most weeks (barring business trips for Joel and the holiday season was hard to get to the gym).  I also hear the term "baby steps" often and I think "Ok, baby steps.  So one baby step a day until I have this problem nipped in a week!"  When really, it means "one small step a month or even a year until you have this problem nipped in your lifetime."  I rush myself, often, and have unrealistic expectations of my time.  I know this winter I have felt much better than last winter where I had no gym membership and relied solely on at-home exercise videos to keep my physical activity level up.  This year I got a small, portable elliptical runner for Christmas and it does wonders to just drain a little bit of energy and burn a couple-hundred calories.  Sometimes when the boys are playing in their rooms I can watch the news and run (or "stroll" really, it's a SMALL elliptical) for those 20 minutes and burn up to 300 calories!  I can't run 5 miles a day in the winter with the boys and the schedule we're pulling.  Some can!  And it's awesome!  But I can't.  What I also, can't do, is leave exercise out of the equation because I become miserable, angry and depressed.  I need to drain the energy, the toxicity and the monotony.  I can accomplish that when I physically exert my body but I just can't always exercise exertion by having an hour to myself at the gym.  Sometimes it's 10 minutes on the small elliptical or 20 runs up and down the stairs.  Sometimes it's shoveling snow!  That counts!  I know that it helps me to exercise even when I hate it and fight it and don't want to.  I also know that it has helped to re-frame my expectations of exercise to fit my life as it lives right now.
Every mom I know, working moms and SAHMoms alike would have a different "Top 3 Survival Tips."  These are unique to me and my household.  If any of them are transferable I'm glad I shared!  If you have any unique techniques that work for passing a hard day, week, month or season comment below!  I'd love to hear from you!  Happy winter everyone!
K  

2104 Realizations

So it's 2014...my last blog post was in 2011, although I had to have gone in there at some point and updated my profile because my age is accurate and it says I have 2 children (which, indeed I do...).  Wow, I underestimated how hard it would be to keep up with this.  I need to get into the habit of just copying my FB posts here and occasionally writing something special just for the Blog.  At any rate, I'm back (for the day) and trying to get inspired!
My photo of the 3 stackable block towers was what got me on here today.  I took it thinking it would make a good picture and then, because I was subconsciously searching for the inspiration, I drew this parallel to motherhood from that image.
Stack #1 is the perfect, organized, clean cut, put together image I have of what I want to be in my motherhood.  I want a clean house, to shower daily, have my hair and nails always nicely done, my schedule kept and my "pieces" all together.
Stack #2 is the likely reality of my motherhood.  There's an apparent pattern and image there of what its supposed to be and, for the most part, it's in order and organized but there are some pieces missing.
Occasionally, those missing pieces will fill in...only to be replaced by other missing pieces.  Occassionally they are all missing but I know they HAVE to be all here in the same house.  It's just a matter of finding them all and putting them back together.
Stack #3  is the harsh picture I actually have of myself.  It's the "well, that can't be right..." stack.  The "I'll get to it later..." stack.  The "Something is always lacking..." stack.  Everything is mismatched, nothing is in order, everything is lopsided.  All the pieces are there but I don't care enough to arrange them I just mash them all together as I flip a high middle-finger to the world and scream "Please!  Judge me!  I'd love that!"  Its the stack I focus most on.  The things I'm not doing quite the way I thought I would.  The things that never actually get done (i.e. this Blog).  The things that I'm afraid the rest of the world is looking at saying "What the 'f' is going on there?"
I focus secondly on Stack #1 and lastly on Stack # 2.  What an unhealthy pendulum swing from extreme negative to extreme perfection...what a helpful visual realization.
Joel and I attended a marriage seminar this past Valentine's Day weekend.  One of the speakers, Dr. Caroline Leaf, did a segment on releasing toxic thoughts and re-training your brain pathways (very much like "The Secret" except more biological).  I left feeling a new commitment to this measure because I obviously have a need.
I need to focus on Stack #2.  The one that looks pretty good!  The one that is functional, ordered and missing very little.  Occasionally all those pieces are there.  Occasionally different ones are missing but doesn't that represent balance?  I don't seek out the level of perfection in others (as represented by Stack #1) so why do I seek it in myself?
I may print this picture and put it up in places I spend a lot of time.  Re-work those neurons and dendrites to focus on that middle stack because it is true and accurate.  Its not perfect but it's not a disaster!
Ok, this took 10 minutes and my children are still alive!  This can be done....
K