Deep, Deep Woods

The other day my son said to me "Mum, Daddy is my Father, you're just my mom."  The sentence kind of hung in my head for the day.  It didn't bother me when he said it.  We were talking about relatives and who was related to whom and how (ie. "Uncle Nathan is Daddy's brother, just like you are Liam's brother").  He meant nothing by it.  But by the end of the day that little closing "...just my mom" had become heavy and I had let it settle in my chest and make a nice spot for itself.  I haven't written in a while (I feel like every time I blog I have to write that opening sentence).  It's been a tough and busy year.  I have been struggling....with this very sentence, I think, years before it was ever spoken by my still baby son in the car on my way home from groceries.  "Just my mom...Just a mom...just...just...just..." This is the way I think of myself a lot of the time... I'm "just" a mom.  And the belittling nature of this sentiment has taken a toll on me over the years already.  I think I acknowledged it about a year ago and I'm now in the thick of trying to beat back the mantra from my brain.  It stands at the forefront of everything I do and feel all day every day.  It dominates my attitude, my dreams, my visions.  It threatens my relationships, bullies my confidence and torments my thoughts.  And I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why.

I know what my mom and my husband's late mom mean to us.  What they mean to our families as a whole.  We come from generations of families who value and honor their mothers.  My husband and family members are very (and I mean very) good at telling me I'm doing a great job as a mom.  They reassure me when I feel unsure, they help me focus when I feel scattered, they validate when I feel all those mommy feelings like guilt and shame and insecurity.  Despite all of the people who surround me who offer up regular and truly meaningful advice and validation, I remain a victim of this "Just" attitude I have developed since having kids.  Well, to be more precise, since having kids, leaving work, quitting school, having my name removed from the mortgage...since basically kind of falling off the face of the earth to everyone I know except Joel and my children.

 Before motherhood I juggled what I thought was a lot.  I worked, went to school, had hobbies, friends and a social life.  Joel and I bought our first home together, we each had growing and glowing careers and credit scores and we had interests in and outside of our relationship.  Since motherhood I have felt increasingly like Joel's life and horizons expand while mine close in on me.  We opted for Stay-at-home motherhood (together and willingly) so I have no job outside of my home.  I had initiated starting my Master's Degree after my first son was born and that ended up on the back-burner. Three years later it has yet to be resurrected.  My hobbies, which used to include swimming, crochet, reading, writing and running, are things I squeeze in when I reach a boiling point and decide consciously to sacrifice a household task to save myself from breakdown.  I have been working on the same scarf for a year and a half, haven't been athletically in a pool or finished a single book I have begun reading since 2010 and, as demonstrated by this blog, can't seem to make time to even write in a journal on a regular basis.  I run once a month, intermittently do yoga, zumba and P90x in my basement when I make my semi-annual resolutions to stop NOT MAKING TIME.  Since I don't work anymore (and therefore have no income earned) I cannot claim to be an actual homeowner anymore.  My one small student loan leftover from college made my debt-to-income ratio too great to be on the new mortgage.  I have a library card, one credit card and one car registered in my name.  And they may be the only things that officially establish me as any sort of self-sufficient individual anymore.  I use my Am. Ex. to buy diapers and coffee and pay it off every month in a desperate effort to nurture a credit score that once mattered. Joel was promoted twice this year, received two pay increases and just started a new position on Monday which provided him with a brand new laptop and they are so impressed with his resume that they anticipate his next promotion to be in the next 6 months....I know, I sound like a spoiled brat!  I know this!  This is the problem!  The "where's mine?" attitude is so detrimental but I can't figure out how to stop it!  I am so proud of Joel and so grateful that the the way he works and the talents he has provide us the opportunity to embrace stay at home parenting.  His life has seen plenty of sacrifice too, since we became parents. I haven't lost sight of the benefits and the luxuries these choices have brought me.  I have lost sight of who I am in all of it though and of the teamwork involved in this place.  I jumped into a very deep pool with no edges for miles and miles and I realized quickly how shallow my vision was for myself....how near and small the things were that I clung to for support, security and assurance.  For some reason when I was out in the world introducing myself before kids I was a "Social Worker with a degree and a married homeowner with  a life."  Now, I introduce myself and I feel the words come together in the pit of my stomach....they crawl up my throat and stop on the way to punch me in the heart before they tumble out of my mouth "I'm just a mom..."  I clean and cook and drive kids to school, play with playdough, read books, discipline, reinforce, redirect and never have enough time.  Time for what?  I don't really know.  I can't even articulate how I use my time from day to day. I always feel desperate for attention, for contact, for conversation....but when I have the opportunity for those things I don't know what to do sometimes.  I cave in, I run away.  It's like I expect those to end up on the list of things I no longer deserve, am capable of or am good at too.  I have lost myself so completely and I suppose the first step out is to realize and acknowledge, "I'm lost."

I saw this post on Facebook quoting Ellen Degeneres and I love it because it perfectly sums up what I need to do (while it makes me laugh at the same time).

It's time to start looking around and find the paths of other moms who have been lost like me, frickin' jump on one and start running!  Like, Forrest Gump running!  Just don't stop until I can breathe again!  Until I see SOMETHING I recognize again!  And then....run faster.  Until I feel the peace I know I deserve.  I have said it in other posts but I'll say it again....I anticipated motherhood being the most challenging job I had ever had.  What I didn't anticipate was the feeling of isolation.  Despite definitely not being alone ever, at all, for one single minute...I feel abandoned somedays.  Completely alone and absolutely terrified. This dynamic has rocked me in a way I have never felt before. It has shaken my motherhood, my marriage and, clearly, my identity.  I have a lot of growing up to do.  And it hurts something awful somedays to wake up and know that....but not know what to do. But it's time. Ditching my compass and getting on a path because I am definitely lost and these woods are deep.